Abuse, in Marriage Tips

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Do you have any suggestions for healing from past abuse?

Developing Intimacy After an Abusive Marriage

Some people face the tremendous trials when their spouse becomes violent and abusive. However, people who have been abused can recover and develop intimate relationships. Recently, I obtained permission to share this story with you, "My ex showered me with flowers while we dating. He was charming,and funny...and then when we got married, it was horrible, he ignored me, followed every compliment with an insult 'you're beautiful, but you'd be prettier if you lost weight' then he began beating and raping and controlling me almost daily for almost 3 years...I left finally....and later I met my current husband, our eyes met. I asked silently, 'please love me' and in silence I got a response of 'I already do', he had hell with me because of my ex, I didn't ever want to have sex and cried when we did, I flinched every time he made a gesture...but then I started to trust him, 3 years later, he is my best friend, the communication between us is open and wonderful, forever doesn't quite seem long enough to be with this man...every day gets better, we support each other's choices, and dreams, we constantly grow together, our marriage is romantic and happy, and I know we'll live happily ever after or at least as long as destiny and God allows".

   
What are some of the signs to look for in abusive relationships?

What is Emotional Abuse?

There are various types of emotional abuse. Below is a list of characteristics that are emotionally abuse.

Rejecting

·Telling a person that they are unwanted

·Telling a person to leave

·Name-calling

·Telling the person they are worthless

·Making the person the scapegoat, blaming them for everything

Ignoring

·Does not show attachment

·Does not provide nurturance

·Does not show or express affection

·Physically there, but emotionally unavailable

·Does not recognize the other persons presence

·Uses the “silent treatment”

Terrorizing

·Singling out a person to criticize and punish

·Ridiculing him or her for displaying normal emotions

·Having expectations far beyond his or her normal abilities

·Threatening person with death, mutilation and abandonment

Isolation

·Not allowing person to interact with other

·Restricting person to a room

·Restricting eating to isolation or seclusion

·Restrict/monitoring phone calls

Corrupting

·Allowing minors to use drugs or alcohol

·Forcing others to watch pornographic material or sex acts

·Forcing someone to participate in or witness criminal activities

·Forcing someone to witness cruelty to animals

   
What are the consequences of abuse?

When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Sometimes in marriage we work and work and believe that if we work hard enough our spouse will start treating us better. Often they will tell us that if we just did this or that they would love us more. Once we meet their request they change their request or add to it. It seems like nothing is good enough. Such situations may make you think that you just aren't a good spouse. The reality is that you are doing your best. It is your spouses issue when they cannot be satisfied with what you do. Do your best, but watch out for the never ending expectation hole that some spouses create in relationships.

   
How can I stop the abuse in my marriage?

Signs of Verbal Abuse

The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.

yelled at
called names
nagged at
called racial slurs
called stupid
told no one else would want me
talked to as a child
constant put-downs
ridiculed appearance
threatened to kill me
threatened to take the children
belittled important things I accomplished
told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb
said I was an unfit mother
embarassed me in public
told the children I was disgusting
said I was a bad sex partner
always screams at the children

This checklist can be found at actabuse.com

   
What are some common behaviors in abusive relationships?

Some Common Abusive Behaviors

I am often asked what is abusive and what is normal. Below are some common abusive behaviors that are commonly overlooked.

1) being resentful, jealous, greedy, covetous
2) being selfish and withholds help
3) incurs excessive debt
4) is condescending with spouse
5) is discourteous, crude, disrespectful, indecent, improper, and irreverent toward others
6) seeks the praise of men
7) is easily angered, and often hostile
8) swears, has a bad temper
9) flirts with others than spouse
10)is always complaining, murmuring

These are all abusive behaviors in a relationship. It is important to recognize that such behavior is never appropriate in relationships, especially in marriage.

   
What are the consequences of abuse?

No One Deserves to Be Abused

All individuals are of great worth and should be treated with respect. It is important for everyone to understand that it is never appropriate to hurt others through emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Any form of abuse is wrong. It hurts all of society. If you are being abused or are abusing someone seek professional help.

   
What are the consequences of abuse?

Stopping the Abuse

When someone is being abused in marriage they often don't know who to talk to or what to do. Remember that abuse is never acceptable behavior. It is important to seek help. If it is physical abuse, call the police. If it is emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse seek professional help. No one needs to suffer through abuse. Seek help! That is the best way to create change. Most cities have women and children centers.

   
How can we break bad habits in our marriage?

How Can We Break Bad Habits in Our Marriage?

Sometimes in marriage we create bad habits in the way we communicate, the way we help each other, the way we demonstrate our love for each other and many other ways. Some couples have forgotten how to communicate, others simply do not help their spouse, while others so needing to feel loved end up feeling rejected in their effort to get love. Such patterns are possible to break and in many instances if they are not broke the marriage will end. So how can you break old habits? Changing bad habits begins by taking time to identify the habits that you and your partner have. Then it becomes necessary to take the time to evaluate how you have contributed to the problem. The next step is to sit down with your spouse and discuss what needs to happen for change to occur. You discuss your needs and have them discuss their needs. Together create a game plan for breaking the old patterns. This may sound simplistic, but it can be done if two people are willing to listen to each other and then make the changes they agree to.

   
How is rejecting my spouse abuse?

Rejection

When individuals stop showing their spouse care, affection, and kindness it often feels like rejection to the other spouse. Such feelings can be devastating to the individual feeling rejected. The actions of being unkind, not showing affection, and displaying unkind behaviors towards your spouse is a form of abuse.

   
What are the consequences of abuse?

What Is the Impact of Abuse

Abuse places victims and perpetrators in very harmful conditions. The victim turns to survival mode in which their instincts are turned off and they are just trying to survive. The abuser has violated their own values and often try justifying their actions. They don't realize the pain they have caused. If they don't feel guilty they have become hardened which is very scary. Abusers can never reach their full potential and they prevent their victims from reaching their potential. Abuse harms all of society not just the victims. We should all work to prevent abuse from occurring.

   
What are some of the signs to look for in abusive relationships?

Economic Abuse: What is It?

Economic abuse is often overlooked in the midst of other types of abuse. However, it is real and exists in families. Below are some things you can look for in economically abusive relationships.

1) Refuses to buy necessities (i.e. clothing, food, bedding)
2) Hoards or refuses to share money or other assets
3) Controls all bank accounts
4) Restricts your budget
5) Reviews how your money is spent
6) Steals from your account
7) Manipulates you to give you them access to your accounts
8) Controls your access to transportation
9) Doesn't allow credit card access
10)Puts all accounts in their name and limits your access to the account
11)Puts bills in your name and doesn't pay them
12)Refuses to give you personal or discretionary money
13)Confiscates monetary gifts

   
What should I do if I am abusive?

Stop In The Name Of Love

Abuse in any form hurts people. It hurts the victim and it hurts the person who is abusive. Abuse is often thought of in terms of physical violence or sexual violation. However, the most common form of abuse is verbal abuse. It includes criticisms, put-downs, yelling and screaming. If you put your spouse down you are abusing them. If we are attacking their character and who they are this is abuse.

There is a difference between asking for behavior changes and being critical of our spouse. If you want your spouse to love you STOP the abuse. If you are being abused find support. Abuse hurts all of society.

   
What can I do if I am being abused?

Protecting Yourself

Abuse in marriage is real and a big concern. If you are being abused consider the following steps to protect yourself. First, be prepared to leave in an instant if are worried about your saftey. Pack a bag and have it ready to go. Second, don't be afraid to call the police. Third, talk with someone about the abuse (seek help). Fourth, understand that NO ONE should ever be abused. Fifth, help is available. Most states have victim assistance programs for helping victims of abuse. Please seek help if you are being abused.

   
What is a common response of women who have been abused?

How Some Women Deal With Abuse in Marriage.

Unfortunately abuse exists in our society. Researchers have found that many women who are abused react to the abuse in similar ways. The following pattern was described by Dr. John Gottman. In physically abusive marriages the wife's affection in the face of her husband's contempt and disgust toward her may represent compliance, fear, and holding on to a dream that the contempt will be short lived.

These women are doing their best, but their husbands are very manipulative and controlling. Such marriages hurt all of society.

   
Do you have any horror stories about marriage?

What Would You Like for Supper?

My husband is an alcoholic. One day he called me at work to ask what I wanted for supper. "Suprise me" I said. When I got home he wasn't there, showed up 3am drunk - "Suprise".

This isn't the way to save your marriage.

   
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Guru Spotlight
Barbara Gibson