Communication Tips

The Problem of Mind Reading

When couples try to read the mind of their partner they generally guess wrong. This is especially true in couples who argue a lot. The individual who tries reading the mind of their partner often assume they know what their partner is feeling and thinking. These assumptions are often in error and create more problems. Individuals who expect their spouse to read their mind are asking for trouble and playing an unfair game.

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Arguments

When having an argument with your spouse, try not to win, but to compromise. If you both can come away from the disagreement with something, it stops the power struggling so common in marriages.

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Communicating Expectations

You cannot expect your partner to be sensitive and understand exactly how you feel about something unless you're able to communicate to him or her how you feel in the first place.

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Emotional Interaction and Marital Stability

Dr. John Gottman in his research on marriages has found that emotional interaction in marriage can predict divorce or marital stability. Gottman tested couples discussing both positive and negative conversations and found that "in the conflict discussion, the predictors that led to divorce were husband interest, husband contempt/disgust, wife interest, and wife sadness." This suggests that interest in our spouse is very important. Also, when husbands communicate with contempt or disgust and women communicate with sadness these couples have more problems.

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Ten Ineffective Communication Approaches

Below is a list of ten communication approaches that can destroy an intimate relationship.

1) Avoid sharing feelings
2) Assume you know what your partner wants and thinks
3) Only talk about the weather and daily events
4) Use the silent treatment
5) Assume any issue will disappear over time
6) Blame your partner for any problem
7) Avoid sharing positive feelings
8) During an argument, bring up past issues
9) Share all of your negative feelings
10)Avoid talking about your relationship

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5 Things To Be Grateful For

One way to show appreciation to your spouse is to take time and list 5 things that they do that you really appreciate. Here is my list of 5 things that I am grateful to my wife for.

1) She works hard to be a great spouse.
2) She is patient with our children.
3) She has a happy disposition.
4) She makes sacrifices to make our family work.
5) She gives of her time unselfishly.

What does your spouse do that you really appreciate? Make your list and give it to him/her for Thanksgiving, your anniversary, or another special day in your lives. One way to change our marriages is to show more appreciation to each other.

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Increasing Intimacy Through Communication

When we communicate we need to discuss what we really want to happen in the relationship. We need to communicate what we are feeling and thinking. Many individuals falsely believe that their spouse should just know what they want. This leads to marital problems. Never assume your spouse knows what you want. Couples who enjoy real intimacy communicate openly and honestly what they need.

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What I Really Meant Was

Have you ever been in a big argument with your spouse and later realized that you said things that you didn't really mean? Or even worse when they came back to apologize you rejected their apology? I often ask individuals and couples who describe this pattern to evaluate what they really wanted to say to their spouse. I believe that if we can learn to communicate what we are really feeling and thinking we will increase the intimacy in our relationships. Next time you are in this situation sit back and evaluate what you really want to tell your spouse, rather than spouting off or rejecting your spouses apology.

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Communication

When your spouse has hurt you in some way, try not to lash out in anger. Instead, using language like I feel to begin the conversation, you allow him/her to be receptive to you. Anger builds walls, love breaks them down.

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Controlling Outbursts

The Chinese have a proverb that goes something like this, "A word unsaid, can save a life of regret." At times when we are upset at our spouse we often want to hurt them because we feel hurt. In these situations, I teach my clients to stop and analyze what they are feeling and thinking before they say something that they will later regret. This isn't easy, but it can save a marriage. It can save lots of pain. In order to do this it takes self control and a desire to break old patterns. It can be done as one begins to understand themself and their emotions.

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Saying What You Really Want to Say

Virginia Satir, a pioneer in the field of marriage and family therapy, used the term leveling to describe the process of saying to the best of your ability, what you think, what you mean, and how your feel. Leveling in relationships is what can increase intimacy and bring you closer to your spouse.

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What is the Zap Rule in Communication?

Many therapists use the "Zap Rule" in therapy with couples. So what is a "Zap?" A zap is anything that makes you feel as if you're not being treated as an equal, or with dignity and respect, or as if you are being blamed, punished, or ridiculed. The rule requires that when either member of a couple is feeling zapped they can stop the conversation and ask that the last statement "a percieved zap" be restated by the person who made the comment. This requires that both partners be willing to respect their partners feelings.

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What Your Spouse is Really Saying

How do you tell when your spouse is serious or not? What are you observing? Is it their words? Or their actions? My suggestion is to try and follow their words and actions, but I have found that emotional output is more telling than words or actions.

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