Marital Intimacy Tips

Building Trust in a Relationship

I recently read a statement by Dr. Bernard Poduska in which he wrote, "If you trust the love in your relationship, you trust that the other person will not only try to satisfy your needs but will also want you to have what would make you happy." This statement seems to show the value of trust in a relationship. It also demonstrates the point that we should desire to make our partner trust us by encouraging their personal growth.

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Trick or Treat

Has your marriage partner turned out to be the person you thought he or she was while you were dating? Put another way has he/she been a trick or a treat?

If your partner has been a treat you are fortunate. If he/she has been a trick, what are you doing about it? Are you choosing to stay in the marriage and make it work? Have you tried to talk with your spouse about making changes in your marriage? Are you afraid to talk with your spouse about how he/she has changed?

At some point in our marriages we have to make a choice on how to deal with our differences. Unresolved differences continue to push couples apart and ultimately end in divorce, or two people who are unhappily married. Neither of these choices are what we get married for. If you and your spouse are stuck in the mud, discuss together how you can get out. No, that doesn't always mean get a divorce--it could mean counseling, or marriage education classes.

Marriage should be a treat, not a trick.

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How to Create A Daily Temperature Reading

The ability to reveal yourself fully, honestly, and directly--is the lifeblood of intimacy. To do this couples must learn to do a "daily temperature reading" on the relationship. This is a process which includes the following ideas:

1) Appreciation--take turns expressing appreciation for each other
2) New information--in the absence of information, assumptions--often false ones rush it. Tell your partner something to keep the contact alive.
3) Puzzles--Take turns asking each other something you don't understand and your partner can explain.
4) Complaint with request for change--Without placing blame or being judgmental, cite a specific behavior that bothers you and state the behavior you are asking for instead.
5) Hopes-- Share hopes and dreams with each other. These are an important part of keeping your love growing.

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Creating a Bonding Experience

Most people put a lid on the hurts or fears of the past. Dr. Gordon suggests that it is essential to lift that lid--in the context of the current relationship--to close the revolving ledger. She suggests couples try the following experiment.

1st) Choose a time when you are feeling somewhat edgy.
2nd) Put on some soft music in the background.
3rd) Lie down with your partner. Lie on your sides cradled into each other, both facing the same direction.
4th) While your partner is holding you, quietly reveal something that he or she does that triggers a full-blown intense reaction in you.
5th) Now tell your partner what experience out of your history your reaction connect to.
6th) Tell your partner what you would have needed to happen in your history that would have helped.
7th) Now let your partner tell you what you needed to hear, while you take it in.
8th) Now discuss the price you are paying in your current relationship for having the emotional reaction to events of the past.

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Intimacy Requires...

Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us.

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Love, Love, & More Love

Do you think it is possible to love someone too much? Indeed, there are people who aren't able to allow others too close to them because they have been hurt. However, love is something that we should be able to give at all times and in all places. Love can be demonstrated at home or in public. Love at home teaches our children how much we value and respect each other. In public love can be demonstrated by giving each other compliments or by holding hands. Love is something that we should work to express to each other often and frequently.

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Creating an Intimate Relationship

Many people think sex when the word intimacy is brought up. However, sex is only one component of real intimacy. Creating a real intimate bond requires time, effort, and energy. One step to creating intimacy is to be honest with each other. Honesty requires an evaluation of verbal AND non-verbal messages. Many people do not realize that we communicate mostly by our non-verbal messages (i.e. our body language). When we are upset and angry it is our body language that communicates our real frustration whether we admit our anger or not.

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Love is a Verb

Have you ever considered what love means? Seriously, when we say, "I love you", what does it mean? It has been my experience that we tend to overuse the word love. I love basketball, I love skiing, I love playing the piano, I love you. These aren't the same. The word love should show from our actions rather than our words alone. We should live so our spouse FEELS our love. Love is a verb because it requires action.

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A Great Quote On Intimacy

Victor L. Brown once wrote, "the lives of most people are their search for intimacy." If this is our ultimate search, shouldn't we make every effort to improve ourselves so we can be more intimate with those who matter most. As one man said, "we are each other's clinical material." Our everyday experiences and behaviors will show us whether we are working toward or away from intimacy.

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Intimacy Through Affirming Worth

Intimacy in relationships comes from finding ways to affirm your spouses value and worth. If you struggle with this, step back and evaluate what stops you from showing your spouse how much they mean to you. If you want to succeed find ways to show your companion how much value they are to you.

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