Avoid Gunnysacking

Gunnysacking is a term for storing past grievances and bringing them up everytime you try to resolve the problem at hand. Gunnysacking often raises additional problems and keeps couples from dealing with the current issues. Bringing up past issues will create an environment in which neither spouse will want to resolve any problem because they will fear bringing up the past.

Are You Doing All The Work: Part I

Do you find yourself doing everything you can to save your marriage? Do you feel like your spouse is contributing as much to the marriage as an old broken down car? If so, consider the following idea on how you can survive.

First, don´t take all of the load on yourself. If your spouse is not going to help save the marriage you are working too hard. You can try and try, but until your spouse shows some effort you will continue to feel devalued and unloved. Until effort is shown by TWO people there isn´t much you can do except create an environment where your spouse doesn´t feel attacked when you ask them to make some effort to save your marriage.

My suggestion for those who are carrying all of the load is to realize that you cannot make someone love you. The only thing you can control is how you treat them. Treat them with respect and dignity and expect the same in return.

Avoid Marital Suicide

At some point in most marital relationships one or both partners question whether they made the right choice in a partner or not. In many cases the stress is high in the relationship and an individual or both partners begin to feel that the best option is to end their relationship and get a divorce (what I have termed marital suicide). In far too many cases these couples haven´t been married very long and they are dealing with the initial pains and trials of marriage. Unfortunately, what these couples do not realize is that their relationship pains will NOT go away by getting a divorce. They will surface in a new relationship. Consequently, if a couple can survive the initial pains and trials in their marriage they can find the happiness and success they long for. Below are some suggestions to help you survive the initial pains.

a) Listen to each other. Seriously try understanding your partner´s pains and trials.
b) Take responsibility and stop doing the things you do that bothers or hurts your spouse.
c) Be kind and show empathy toward your spouse. If they don´t reciprocate show more love.
d) Don´t criticize your spouse. Criticism will ruin a marriage. Recognize that your spouse won´t be perfect.
e) Find ways to serve your spouse even if you don´t want to. In serving your spouse you might rekindle some of the feelings you felt for each other while you were dating or earlier in your marriage.
f) Search within yourself and remember the deep feelings of love you once had for your spouse.

Good luck! Marital suicide can be prevented.

Forgiveness Part I

Dr. Bernard Poduska has written about 10 areas in which we could ask for forgiveness from our spouse. I firmly believe that forgiveness is one of the greatest qualities we can develop in our life.

Forgiveness Part I:

Forgive me for not always being your friend. Forgive me for the times I wasn´t someone you could talk to when you just needed someone to listen. I´m sorry I wasn´t there to listen without criticizing or judging you or what you had to say. Forgive me for the times I wasn´t someone you could relax and laugh with. I remember that during our courtship we talked and laughed for hours. Sometimes it was on the phone, or while we were driving. Those were the times when we wanted to be with each other above all else. Sometimes we were very good friends. Forgive me for those times I have not made the effort to be your friend.

Time Together

Successful couples find time for each other. Many couples plan a night out together to build their relationship. This takes effort, but the rewards are worth it. You don´t even have to spend money on your one night a week excursion. A walk in the park or a trip to look at the stars can do wonders for a relationship.

What Are YOU Doing?

What are YOU doing to make your marriage better? Marriage requires that we serve one another. Below are a few questions to help you assess what you are or aren´t doing in your marriage.

Are you
1) spending time with your spouse?
2) laughing with your spouse?
3) complimenting your spouse?
4) serving your spouse?
5) being honest with your spouse?
6) showing your spouse how much you love them?
7) committed to listening to your spouse?
8) willing to sacrifice personal wants to help your spouse (i.e.--men doing dishes, cleaning the house; women--mow the lawn, wash the car)?
9) complimenting your spouse?
10)take the time to help your spouse enjoy sex?

Marital Strengths

What are the strengths in your marriage? For a fun activity, consider listing them and discussing them with your spouse.

Achieving Intimacy

Achieving is a demanding activity and as such should require our greatest efforts. Below is a short list of what you can do to achieve deeper intimacy in your relationships.

1) Expect to get close to each other
2) Serve one another
3) Avoid hurting each other in any way
4) Be honest with each other
5) Make yourself the best person you can so that your spouse will want to be with you
6) Be the last person to give up on your marriage (unless you are being abused or hurt by your spouse)
7) Be positive
8) Compliment your spouse
9) Read this list on a regular basis and make a game plan of how you can do everything on this list.
10) Evaluate the outcome of doing these things in your marriage.

Forgiveness Part III

Dr. Bernard Poduska has written about 10 areas in which we could ask for forgiveness from our spouse. I firmly believe that forgiveness is one of the greatest qualities we can develop in our life.

Forgiveness Part III:

Forgive me for not showing my appreciation. Forgive me for the times I´ve taken your countless contributions--your gifts of time, effort, and concern--for granted. I sometimes wonder how many times your service and acts of devotion have gone unnoticed. I suppose there have even been times when I thought they were merely your "duty," part of your marital responsibilities. It´s true that there are obligations that go with marriage, but it still might have helped if I had expressed my appreciation more often. You might have felt more that you wanted to do these things, rather than that you had to do them. I apologize for the times you had hoped I would notice and were disappointed.

Rituals That Will Last A Lifetime

Rituals help create strong marriages. Below are some rituals that can help strengthen your marriage.

1) Eat at least one meal a day together (the more the better).
2) Have a day in which you plan for upcoming events. It helps if do this at the same time and on the same day of the week.
3) Plan to go on regular dates (i.e. once a week).
4) Create fun holiday traditions (i.e. opening a gift on Christmas evening).
5) Create new rituals regularly (i.e. buying small gifts on a monthly basis for each other).

Fun and healthy rituals can save a marriage. I encourage you to sit down and evaluate rituals that you currently have in your marriage. Then consider how you can start some new ones.

Forgiveness Part VI

Dr. Bernard Poduska has written about 10 areas in which we could ask for forgiveness from our spouse. I firmly believe that forgiveness is one of the greatest qualities we can develop in our life.

Forgiveness Part VI:

Forgive me for the times I have been selfish. I´m sorry for all the times I satisfied my needs in ways that interfered with the satisfaction of your needs. I apologize for needing to be right even when I knew I was wrong. How frustrated and discouraged you must have felt when you tried to express your opinions, feelings, and needs, and I didn´t hear you. Even more important, forgive me for the times I believed I was superior--more intelligent, more courageous, or more sophisticated than you. When I put myself above you in my mind I disqualified your ideas and suggestions, and I acted as if you were not worthy of my love. I can now more fully understand that we are truly equals in the eyes of God, and that this is how we should see each other as well. Please forgive me for my pride and my self-interest at your expense.

Getting to the Real Problem

During disagreements we sometimes feel like we are being attacked by our partner. When this occurs we often stop listening and prepare in our minds what we want to say back. When the discussion turns into a "you hurt me, I´ll hurt you back" match we forget what the real problem is. Successful couples focus on the problem at hand and try solving it rather than hurting each other with words or actions.

Forgiveness Part II

Dr. Bernard Poduska has written about 10 areas in which we could ask for forgiveness from our spouse. I firmly believe that forgiveness is one of the greatest qualities we can develop in our life.

Forgiveness Part II:

Forgive me for not placing you as my number one priority in life. I can remember times when I allowed my parents, friends, hobbies, job, sports, or even church responsibilities to become more important to me than your happiness and welfare. My intentions were honorable, but the hurt you felt was nonetheless real. I know your image of yourself must have suffered when you saw everything else in my life coming first. I do want you to know, however, that there have been times when I did make you my top priority--times when I considered your feelings first when making a decision. I may not have always decided in your favor, but at least I considered your feelings. Being as sensitive as you are, you were probably quite aware of those times and of the place you held in my life. Please forgive me for the times your place was not first.

What Keeps a Marriage Going Part 2

If you read what keeps a marriage going you found out that married couples stay together because they are best friends. Can you guess what the 2nd and 3rd reasons people gave for staying together?

Lauer and Lauer (1991) report that liking our spouse as a person is number 2 and viewing marriage as a long-term commitment is number 3. If we want to keep our marriage strong we need to like our spouse and also be commited for the long haul. I believe all marriages have significant trials but if we are commited to the relationship we will gain a deeper level of intimacy.

The Value of Mutual Interests

Couples that stay together find ways to share their interests. They may read a book or play a game. Or they may both enjoy the opera. No matter how much effort it takes, find something that you can do with your spouse. For some couples it is dinner out and a movie. For others it is gardening. Mutual interests link us together and create memories that can last for years.

Choice Points

In life we all make choices. Every choice has a consequences. Unfortunately, few people realize how important their small decisions really are. Below are a few choices that seem small but in reality they can impact the rest of your life.

How do you...
1) show your spouse that they are the most important part of your life?
2) spend your time?
3) uplift those who are around you?
4) solve problems? Do you solve problems with kindness and warmth or do you inflict your will upon your spouse?
5) help your spouse reach their potential?

These questions may seem like small things, but if everyone would spend as much time figuring out how to do these things as they do other so called important areas of their life we would have more happy marriages.

Nurturing Your Marital Relationship

Nurturing your marital relationship will bring you happiness in a way nothing else can. Here is a short list of ideas to nurture your relationship.

1) plan to do something away from your household once a week that both you and your partner enjoy
2) plan to have 15-20 minutes together each day. Make the time enjoyable
3) plan your household activities each week so you and your partner are on the same page.
4) find a way to show your spouse you love them each day.

Steps for Healing in Marriage

The process of healing from old wounds in a marriage requires certain elements to be present. Dr.´s Lewis and Gossett in their book, "Disarming the Past" suggest the following steps to help the healing begin.

1st) Process of confiding--we must learn to confide in each other.
2nd) Create an environment of empathy, warmth, and genuinenss-- These are common principles that must exist in all marriages.
3rd) Be sensitive to our spouses feelings-- Sensitivity is critical for gaining trust from our spouse.
4th) React with honesty and affection--When we show our spouse that they can trust us and that we care about them (affection), they learn that they can share who they are with us. This ultimately leads to healing hurts from the past.