Welcome to Marriage Tips

How To Raise Or Lower Your Partners Self-Esteem

In any couple, almost everything one person says or does either raises or lowers the self-esteem of the other. Any attack or perceived rejection or indifference on the part of one person in a couple will lower the other person´s self-esteem.

Myth #2: Most Married People Love Each Other

Married love tends to be more utilitarian than the romantic love couples experience when dating. William Lederer and Don Jackson suggest that “spouses who have been married for more than three or four years rarely state spontaneously to an interviewer that they are in love with one another.” Instead of talking about feelings of love, these more experienced couples are more likely to talk about love in action: “He is honest, hard-working, and enjoys spending lots of time with the kids.” “She is well-respected in her work, and I can always count on her in a crisis.”

Myth #7: If You Argue You Have A Poor Marriage.

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. If conflict is used creatively, it can be a catalyst for growth in marriage. Couples and family members need to learn to communicate openly and to negotiate in good faith with each other, recognizing that each person is unique and that conflict is necessary and can help facilitate positive change.

Marriage As A Legal Contract

Marriage is a legal contract. Marriage creates formal and legal obligations and rights between spouses. Public recognition of, and protection for, this marriage contract, whether in tax or divorce law, helps married couples succeed in creating a permanent bond.

The First Minutes of Conflict Really Do Matter

Did you know that researchers have been able to observe newlyweds marital conflict discussion for three minutes and predict divorce? While this is interesting I find it more interesting in what the coders used to measure the conflict patterns. Below are the categorized affects that were displayed:

Five positive codes (interest, validation, affection, humor, joy), 10 negative affect codes (disgust, contempt, belligerence, domineering, anger, fear/tension, defensiveness, whining, sadness, stonewalling), and a neutral affect code.

I believe it is very interesting that 3 minutes into a conversation can be so predictive. However, in observing these communication patterns in couples I too have seen the negative patterns destroy marriages.

Myth #1 People Marry Because They Love Each Other

Many people think they are in love when what they feel is really a strong sex drive, the fear of being alone, or a need for approval from others. It is this romantic “love” that fades with time in many marriages.

Marriage Is A Sexual Union

Marriage is a sexual union. Marriage elevates sexual desire into a permanent sign of love, turning two lovers into “one flesh.” Marriage indicates not only a private but a public understanding that two people have withdrawn themselves from the sexual marketplace. This public vow of fidelity also makes men and women more likely to be faithful. Research shows, for example, that cohabiting men are four times more likely to cheat than husbands, and cohabiting women are eight times more likely to cheat than spouses.

(Reference: Tabulations by Linda J. Waite and Kara Joyner from the National Health and Social Life Survey. See Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, (in press) 2000. The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better-Off Financially (New York: Doubleday): See Chapter 6.)

My Problems Will Go Away If...

Too many times I hear people say, if I could just get him/her to do this. Or our problems will go away if we can just get through this time. Through my experience as a therapist, I have come to believe that most people continue to have problems. So the biggest issue is how we solve the problems we have today. Therefore, I suggest that if we want to make our marriage work OR if we want to resolve other problems, we should make sure that we consider how OUR actions will impact our spouse and our family. In most cases it is important to include our spouse in any major decisions.

Marriage the Real Eye Opener

Recently, I was attending a local story telling festival and heard the following comment on marriage. If dating is blind, then marriage is a real eye opener. I thought that is a good description of marriage. I believe marriage should be an eye opener because it provides us with the opportunity to learn about ourself and another person in-depth.

No Success Can Compensate For...

A wise man once said, "No success can compensate for failure in the home." This statement should be memorized and internalized by every couple as they make marital vows to each other.

Physical Health Advantages of Marriage

Marriage can have so many benefits. Researchers are now finding that married individuals who are able to confide their personal thoughts to an accepting spouse will have improved functioning in the immune system whereas episodes of marital conflict result in diminished immune system functioning.

A good marriage is one of the best ways to have good long term health.

Myth #6: Marriage Cures Loneliness

Many people falsely believe that marriage can solve feelings of loneliness. However, an unhappy marriage may, in fact, product loneliness. Lederer and Jackson two family scientists suggest, “Loneliness is better tolerated by those who live alone; they have no expectations and thus, no disappointments. Lonely people who live together have about the same chance of realizing their expectations as the host who insists that everybody have a good time at his party” (Lederer & Jackson, 1968—“The Mirages of Marriage.” New York: Norton).

Myth #8: Marriage Will Make Me More Happy

Marriage doesn´t necessarily make people more happy. If you are unhappy prior to marriage, it is generally better to resolve that issue before you get married. Marriage isn´t the pain-killer that resolves all hurt.

The Benefits of Marriage

Recently, I was reading about the benefits that marriage can have on individuals physical and mental health. A few statistics about the benefits of marriage are offered below.

a) The level of martial happiness is by far the strongest predictor of overall life satisfaction.

b) On the average, married men and women live longer and suffer fewer illnesses than do single men and women.

c) Men and women are at greater risk than average for being depressed if they do not have an intimate, confiding relationship.

How Depression Can Influence Your Marriage

One of the most difficult things to understand in marriage is having a depressed spouse. Many individuals feel responsible to make their spouse happy. However, in many instances depression is not caused by the marriage partner. In order to help someone who is depressed in a marriage it is important to take time to evaluate what you can and cannot do to help with the depression. Be supportive, but don´t take it upon yourself to solve your spouses depression. That could make you depressed.

Marriage Is A Personal Bond

Marriage is a personal bond. Marriage is the ultimate avowal of caring, committed, and collaborative love. Marriage incorporates our desire to know and be known by another human being; it represents our dearest hopes that love is not a temporary condition, that we are not condemned to drift in and out of shifting relationships forever.

Myth #4: Gender Differences Ruin Marriages

Some people hold to cultural stereotypes about the sexes: that women are more emotional than men, men are more skillful with tools, women are more intuitive than men, and men are more sexual than women. These beliefs inhibit communication and intimacy by emphasizing differences rather than similarities.

Is Marriage Better Than Long Term Cohabitation?

There is growing evidence that couples who cohabit have more struggles than those who are married. Researchers have postulated that couples who cohabit may be less religious, more prone to argue, receive increased pressure to marry by society, and the list goes on. Regardless of the reason researchers have found that those who cohabit prior to marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who do not cohabit prior to marriage. Furthermore, couples who cohabit without marrying are less satisfied than couples who marry over time. If you have any explanations I would like to hear them.