April 28, 2006, Newsletter Issue #122: He Wants Me and Someone Else

Tip of the Week

Recently I received a question from a woman whose husband is having an affair, but he still wants to kiss and have sex with his wife. Also, she felt a lot of pain that he didn´t say he loved her anymore. Here is my response to her.

Moving on for people who are having affairs seems to take little effort. In most instances the reality is that they have just shifted one set of problems for a new set (the new set of problems just hasn´t arrived in the mail yet.) Your husband may appear happy and content and he may actually be happy, but overtime he will come to realize that his actions have been inappropriate. He will probably never tell you that he is wrong and consequently you will assume that he is okay with his actions. I firmly believe that we cannot hurt other people and feel good about ourselves. If you assume that he is happy, just realize that you don´t have to live in his mind (thank goodness). Furthermore, if he doesn´t feel bad about his actions of cheating on you--he is has given up his ability to feel the pain of those he hurts. Once this has occurred such individuals have no problem hurting others. The result is that they throw social responsibility of giving respect to all people away. Such individuals struggle to connect with others in deep and meaningful ways. Your husband may think that kissing and sex brings him closer to other women, when in reality he will end up feeling alone and empty.

While this doesn´t make your hurt go away, just understand that to assume he is happy and content doesn´t take into account that he is attempting to hide his problems and is self-medicating by turning his attention to someone else whose problems he doesn´t know about yet.

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